• Mark Puskey

The Ultimate Olympics

Updated: Apr 15, 2020

By Mark Puskey


Earlier this week the entire country of Russia was banned from competing in the Olympics for the next four years because so many of their athletes keep getting caught using PEDs. For the few athletes that haven’t been caught doping, they’ll be allowed to compete under the Olympic flag but not for their home countries.


That’s ridiculous. Yes, it makes sense that you can't have athletes that are technically cheating against athletes that haven’t. Of course, the athletes with steroids are going to win.


But what if there was a whole new Olympics where every athlete was using P.E.D.’s. How fast can a human really run? How high can someone really jump? How good can someone really be at curling?


It can be called the Ultimate Olympics. Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds, and A-Rod could be the commentators. If everyone is juiced up then not only will every record be smashed but everything would be even.


Of course, the records they set won't officially count, but at least we’d know the extents of the human body. Barry Bonds still has the record for most home runs. Of the top 5 fastest 100 Meter Dash times, places 2 through 5 are all people who have been found to have used PEDs in their careers. (Shoutout to Usain Bolt for being fast and not a cheater.)


The real question is: who would win? As a considered American I think we would have it in the bag. So many of our athletes use drugs it's kind of unfair. The biggest competition would be Russia. They were banned from the last Olympics and are banned from the next two at least for their athletes being on drugs. Plus they have usually been one of America’s biggest competitors in the normal Olympics anyways. Even Ivan Drago was on steroids. But are there any other countries that would be able to challenge the steroid powerhouses?

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